By Tonja Condray Klein©03/21/2025
Mom Vada was two months from being 93 years old when she died in 2024. We had a cancer scare in 2018 when she had to have two different types of skin cancer places removed from her nose and ear. The ear cancer type came back on her neck a couple years later. Then Covid-19 battered us and surgery to remove cancerous mass that led to Mom Vada having a mini-stroke. In 2021 I lost my Sister-artist friend then my record producer Christian Brother too from Covid-19 complications five months later. Then the mass came back on Mom Vada, and she had radiation treatments in 2023. Ken had to go into hospital in ending of 2023 and his liver disease took a turn that lead him into being in hospital for ammonia altered mental state at the same time that Mom Vada fell and was taken to hospital too. Mom Vada passed 02/27/2024.
Ken was in the hospital up until time for her funeral, but after that he was back again for a total of five times. It’s been a very tough road for the last seven years. I have posted opinion editorials throughout all this time to offer hope and love to people and help me try to heal too. Mom Vada is in Heaven with those that have gone before her. Ken is now on a treatment that has helped him to remain at home working at a job he loves and wants to keep doing even if in another role should the opportunity arise. I keep reading all the books I can. Whether for research on my books I’m planning, or just to escape from everyday life, it has been my talisman against losing my mind as I was going through menopause at this time too. I’m being open, honest, and possibly stark, but I wanted to make this as realistically shared for a purpose for some.
I have part of my Mom Vada’s things I still need to sort to determine whether to box for storage or keep in living room. We have had to order in food and supplies online since our car still needs a new tire so our car can’t be driven. We have that being planned too with help from neighbors and friends. I’ve been sick for weeks now on and off, and Ken has too, so the boxes waiting to be used or broken down for trash are now stacked in our living room on top of everything to the ceiling. I’ve barely been able to get our shipments inside since I have to get dressed and try to help delivery drivers with stuff we have to have to live. I’m sick now but saw main doctor for the check-up that became a “Please help me, Doctor! I’m sick, I’m trying to stop grieving since Mom is in Heaven, and I need right medicine so I can go forward!”
Ken and I are still trying to put our home life back together. We had Mom Vada as part of our life every single day, so this readjustment has been hard on both of us since we can barely do what we HAVE TO DO for us TO JUST LIVE. I want to do more than JUST LIVE. I don’t know what the lesson for me to learn in all of this is, but I do know Jesus Christ is Lord and God Almighty is still on His Throne! I’m just tired, sick, and weary. I feel like David when he spoke about the water and mud like in song “Flood” by the group ‘Jars of Clay’ that the David Bible passage inspired. “Rain, rain on my face. Hasn’t stopped raining for days. My world is a flood. Slowly I become one with the mud. But if I can’t swim after forty days and my mind is crushed by crashing waves, lift me up so high that I cannot fall, lift me up!”
This is where I AM NOW. RIGHT THERE! I read to get away. I ignore everything but bringing in the food and getting out the trash. Crashing waves… no. BOXES, YES! “Lift me up, when I’m falling. Lift me up, I’m weak and I’m dying. Lift me up! I need You to hold me. Lift me up, and keep me from drowning again!” This is my ongoing plea. I’ve been a Christian believer in Jesus Christ as Personal Savior since I was eight years old and with Gifts of the Holy Spirit since I was thirteen. “Downpour on my soul, splashing in the ocean I’m losing control. Dark sky all around, can’t feel my feet touching the ground. But if I can’t swim after forty days and my mind is crushed by the crashing waves, Lift me up so high that I cannot fall, life me up!” Have you been there too? Are you there right now? WE ALL HAVE HOPE…JESUS!
“Lift me up, when I’m falling. Lift me up, I’m weak and I’m dying. Lift me up! I need You to hold me. Lift me up, and keep me from drowning again. Calm the storms that drench my eyes and dry the streams still flowing. Casting down all waves of sin and guilt that overflow me! If I can’t swim after forty days and my mind is crushed by the crashing waves, life me up so high that I cannot fall. Lift me up! Lift me up, when I’m falling. Lift me up! I’m weak and I’m dying. Lift me up! I need You to hold me. Lift me up, and keep me from drowning again!” I have known this personally for the past seven years! This struggle is real. Even a Spirit-filled Christ-believer for almost 47 years can GET HERE AGAIN. I’m not looking sympathy or pity. I’m trying to reach out with TRUTH for those who are going through stuff like this.
One of the most aggravating things I have endured at various churches are those that refuse to share their scars and act holier-than-thou when they could be a ministering messenger to those who need to SEE how someone gets FREE from SIN, HATE, MISERY, SUFFERING, DISPAIR, ADDICTIONS, LONELINESS, and LOSS by the Grace of God Almighty through Faith in the blood of Jesus Christ and the restoration of your soul by the Holy Spirit of God! This is an ongoing mending, healing, changing, reconstructing, and resurrecting of each person who will LET HIM DO IT! I have been dealing with the flood, but I am blessed to also have the Holy Spirit of God Almighty by Faith in Jesus Christ as my Savior, Lord, King, Messiah, and God Almighty the Creator! JESUS ALWAYS DOES LIFT ME UP JUST IN TIME!
So what does all this mean? What was the purpose of my writing all this? Why in the world would I share this tale of loss, sickness, despair, failure, inability to go forward, unable to ever go back, and plans that only be one day at a time? YOU ARE NOT ALONE. That’s why. I wanted to express my overpowering pain of being overwhelmed by all of that is still happening every single day because I AM STUCK IN THE MUD! I’m slowly emerging, swiping layer by layer away as I try to get my bearings and find my feet able to hold the weight of my failure to forgive myself and try to let God use me for HIS purposes. This song has been an ongoing help to me as a reminder that even David felt helpless at times. You can see the video at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfAhpX_wIBk and get it on iTunes like I did for my iPhone.
Ken did get an Uber to pick me up at 3:20pm for my 4pm appointment this past Monday. I was reading Christian Historical Romance set in 1890’s Wisconsin with fishing and railroad tracks being laid back then with the main male and female characters being entangled in more than one tragedy while they try to find love with the will of God Almighty in the midst of the machinations of business, revenge, and the Saving Power of Jesus Christ in spite of the wrong paths and pitfalls that happen. Check it out since I found my next author to read since I’m on Book 3 now! It’s awesome history, romance, intrigue, and Faith that we need now more than ever in these times! Link is below for you to get on Amazon. I know the books by Kathryn Springer, Linda Goodnight, Brenda Minton, Irene Hannon, and now Tracie Peterson do all help!